The Adventures of New Hermione
by Pretty Pretty Liar Liar
Summary: When I,Heather, decided to get rid of old Hermione and become New Hermione my antics were recorded. My pals, and co-creators, Katie and Andrea ,who is her own character in the story, antics were also recorded, this what was found in those documents.
1. Chapter 1

Chap 1- So one day I was hanging out in the black velvet room from the masque of the red death, you know, like everyone does on occasion, when all of a sudden, that bitch HERMIONE walked into the room, so I shouted out "YOU BITCH I WAS HERE FIRST!" and I shot her with my really cool gun that dream killer said I couldn't have. I showed him! Then all of a sudden, that super hottie Rupert Grint a.k.a. Ron walked in the room and shouted "Oh my god you shot Hermione!" so I said "ummm, no I didn't…I'M THE NEW HERMIONE!" "Good, you're way hotter than that bitch was!" Ron said back. "I know!" I said, "CUZ I'M THE NEW HERMIONE!"


	2. Chaps: 2 through 7

Chap 1- So one day I was hanging out in the black velvet room from the masque of the red death, you know, like everyone does on occasion, when all of a sudden, that bitch HERMIONE walked into the room, so I shouted out "YOU BITCH I WAS HERE FIRST

Chap. 2- Out in the courtyard, New-Hermione and Ron were making out. Harry was watching awkwardly in the corner, wishing to be the friction in his jeans… Yup. Harry came out of the closet….finally! He is gay, and he has fallen in love with Ron. He is very jealous of New-Hermione, and is plotting his revenge…

Chap3- "So spill, tell me everything!" Neville said as Harry walked into the room. "That bastard Ron was making out with that hot bitch new Hermione!" Harry said, sitting down on his bed. "That bastard! When is he going to come out! He's so gay!" Neville said with a little gay hand flick. That was really faggy. "Oh I know, but he'll never admit that we should be together!" Harry said. "I have to go!" Harry cried, running out of the room. "Oh Harry, can't you see that I love you?!" Neville cried.

Chap 4- But Neville was too late. Harry didn't hear him. He was too busy thinking about how much he loves Ron. Harry ran down the corridor to where the magical picture of fruit was hanging. Only a few people knew that when you tickled the pear, the picture swung open to reveal the Hogwarts kitchen. _We are meant to be together, _Harry thought to himself as he went in to talk to Dobby. He found the little house-elf sitting by Winky at the hearth. "Dobby. I must talk to you!" Harry begged in his oh-so-fake British accent. "Anything for Harry Potter, sir, anything!" Dobby replied with his squeaky voice. So Harry went on talking about how much he truly loved Ron, and Dobby listened intently. "But Ron is going out with New-Hermione. He doesn't understand that we're meant to be. But I will make him realize that. I will do anything to be with him….anything…"

Chap. 5- Harry woke up early in his dormitory the next day. The birds were just starting to come out and sing their songs. He looked over at Ron's bed. The curtains weren't drawn and Ron was no where to be found. Harry got up, dressed, and went down to the common room. Sure enough, there was New-Hermione and Ron making out on one of the chairs by the unlit fireplace. Harry cleared his throat, and Ron and New-Hermione jumped in surprised. "Oh, didn't see you lot there" Harry lied. "Oi man! Honestly, are you blind?" Ron shrieked, his voice cracking on the word "oi". New-Hermione said, "Harry you are so tactless!" And she ran out of the common room into the girl's dormitory. "Harry, what is your problem? I almost got ALL THE WAY! Do you know what the means?!" Ron said. "Yes, Ron, I know what that means. But I think I should tell you…" Harry began to trail off. "Not now man, there is no time. I have to go find New-Hermione and try and get in her pants. "

Chap. 6- Harry watched Ron's hot ass run after New-Hermione, wishing he could just touch him… "Morning Harry!" Neville said excitedly as he came down the stairs. "Oh, hullo Neville" Harry murmured as he watched Ron turn into another corridor. "whatcha up to?" Neville asked. "Oh, nothing, I was just going to go to the umm… the uh… owlery to send a letter to uh…Snuffles…" Harry stammered. "Oh, really?! I'll walk with you. I have a letter I need to send to Gran" Neville explained, holding up a folded piece of paper. "God damn Neville, can't you tell when someone's lying?! Fuck off you faggot!" Harry yelled and ran away. "  
God damn, gotta work on that." Neville mumbled to himself while writing a letter to his Gran. Meanwhile, Harry sat down in the owlery, knowing that Neville was writing a letter to his dumbass Gran. "I HATE MY LIFE!" he shouted as he whipped out his dragon tooth and CUT HIS WRIST!

Chap-7 "Hey Harry, whoa what's on your wrist?" Ron asked in the great hall. "Nothing! I SAID NOTHING! I'm NOT A CUTTER!!" Harry yelled, causing the entire great hall to look at him. "Yeah…freak…" Ron muttered "So anyway, Quidditch tryouts tonight, so be there." "Ok Ron! Hey you wanna sit with me for lunch?" Harry asked, but Ron was already mackin' with new-Hermione. Harry sighed and looked longingly at Ron and said "Soooooooooo hot, want to touch the hiney!"


	3. Chap 8: The Return Of New Hermione

Chap 1- So one day I was hanging out in the black velvet room from the masque of the red death, you know, like everyone does on occasion, when all of a sudden, that bitch HERMIONE walked into the room, so I shouted out "YOU BITCH I WAS HERE FIRST

"Hey Ron, I'll brb." New Hermione said as she stopped makin' with Ron and got up and started walking over to the hufflepuff table when suddenly out of no where that fat bitch cho chang started walking towards the beautiful Cedric Diggory (who I, the equally beautiful narrator brought back to life because A: he's hot, B: Heather as New Hermione wanted to make out with him fictionally and finally C: That penis should not be wasted!!)

"WHAT THE FUCK FAT CHANG BACK UP OFF CEDRIC!!" New Hermione yelled at chode I mean Cho. All of a sudden the great hall turned all KillBill. New Hermione charged at Fat Chang with a B.A Hanzo Sword and stabbed her in the ovaries, yup right in the baby maker! " OWWW!! THAT WAS MY BABY MAKER!!" Cho yelled in agony, and then she died.


	4. Chap 9:Moaning Myrtle and white stains

Chap 1- So one day I was hanging out in the black velvet room from the masque of the red death, you know, like everyone does on occasion, when all of a sudden, that bitch HERMIONE walked into the room, so I shouted out "YOU BITCH I WAS HERE FIRST

New Hermione and Padma walked into the 2nd floor lavatory together. _(Yeah, Padma is in Slytherin but they can still take a wee-wee together this is our story so, suck it!)_ " Don't get me wrong, Padma. Ron is... hmm... Easy on the eyes? ughh no, That sounds way too much like Senorita Flynn... lets just say he's a total hottie. " New Hermione Decided. " Ron's definitely a good kisser, but Cedric has the magic stick if you know what i mean, and Im not talking about his wand"

"But, I heard him and Cho were going out; What are you going to do about her?" Padma Asked.

"Geez Bitch haven't you heard? I killed that cunty chink an hour ago Cedric is mine!" New Hemione Said.

"What about Ron?" Padma annoyingly asked.

"He's mine too. Well, I have to get to ancient runes. See ya later! "

New Hermione exits the lavatory and leaves Padma alone in the bathroom.

Padma checks herself out in the mirror. She turns around to check out her bum and notices some white stains " Oh shit! I didn't wipe all of Professor Snape's cum off, Damn him for being an ass man!" As she gets some paper towel to wipe it off she feels a rumble in the tummy and her panties were suddenly squishy. "oh no! I sharted myself!" she rushes into the stall , pulls down her pants and squats just in time for the big one to hit.

"Hey!" a gurgling voice shouts from the toilet bowl. " You went diarrhea in my mouth!" Padma jumps up " oh sorry Myrtle! I didn't see you there!" "Thats okay padma worse things have been in my mouth" like professor Quirrell's cock, Moaning Myrtle thought to herself with a moan.

Padma wipes herself and pulls up her pants.

" Hey Myrtle, have you been down here for a while?" Padma Asked.

"Yeah sniffle I heard you and New Hermione talking, but I wont say anything, I'll keep it in the vault then she does that high pitched squeal giggling thing and flys around and stuff."

"okay... good... Hey Myrtle , do you want to play battle-shits again?!" Padma asked.

"Yeah!, OKAY!" Myrtle Moaned. _(Yes, ghosts can shit too!) _

So, Padma and Myrtle retire to their separate stalls and popped a squat.

insert farting sound here " you sank my destroyer!"

pffffffffffffulllllungggggggg " you sank my banana boat!"

ker-plunkpfffffffft " AHH!!, you sank my battle shit!"


	5. Chap 10:My dumbledore is bigger then you

Chap 1- So one day I was hanging out in the black velvet room from the masque of the red death, you know, like everyone does on occasion, when all of a sudden, that bitch HERMIONE walked into the room, so I shouted out "YOU BITCH I WAS HERE FIRST

Harry and Ron walked into Potions together and Ron took a chair next to New Hermione leaving Harry the last seat in class which was next to Malfoy.

"Hello, Potter, word around the great hall is you have a big 'Dumbledore'" Malfoy whispered, harry pretended to be disgusted but secretly he was sporting a half-chub. "really Malfoy because word around the quidditch field is you took Snape up the ass." Harry Responded. " If I were you Potter, I'd watch your ass." Malfoy said back to Harry.


	6. Chap 10 and a half: Sweet MJ Acronyms

Chap 1- So one day I was hanging out in the black velvet room from the masque of the red death, you know, like everyone does on occasion, when all of a sudden, that bitch HERMIONE walked into the room, so I shouted out "YOU BITCH I WAS HERE FIRST

Harry, New Hermione, and Ron made their way to...that class that Hagrid teaches that really shouldn't be a class anyway and when they got there. "ok class," hagrid said in proper English because it's way too fucking annoying to write in Hagrid language. "Today, despite the fact that you all are obviously too immature to handle it, I brought in these hippogrifs GO CRAZY!!" the hairy bastard finished.

Hagrid walked back into his cabin to spot Fred and George looking very J.B.F ( just been fucked for all you losers who cant solve acronyms) and looking quite disheveled with sex hair and haph-hazardly thrown on clothes leaving the Forbidden Forrest aka Rape Forrest. or that forest that guy crouch died in. yeah or the Forrest with all the spiders or that Forrest that quirrel was drinking the blood out of unicorns... yeah that place. .

" Been hanging that girl with the big rack again?" hagrid asked. (Katie making her New Hermione Stage debut)

"Duh, she's stacked" George Said

"you got the goods?" asked Fred

"Of course and those fucking kids are occupied with those damn birds." hagrid said rolling a joint.

"Here's getting paid to get shit faced" and they all took a hit off that sweet Mary Jane.

While Hagrid heats up a little Mary-Jane and doesn't do his teaching job. Neville tries to ride one of the hippogriffs, Cluckfucker. Cluckfucker gets pissed and throws him off and goes and throws up on Neville, Neville starts to shout " I'll WRITE A LETTER TO MY GRAN ABOUT THIS!!" and throws dirt on Cluckfucker.

Buckbeak ,another Hippogriff, was eager for someone to ride him so harry made his way over and did some lame ass bowing and petting to buckbeak and instantly Buckbeak is soothed and lets harry ride him around. New Hermione and Ron find the assignment to be pretty lame because they already tackled this assignment in their third year so they just go and make out.


	7. Chap 12: The BIG rape scene

Chap 1- So one day I was hanging out in the black velvet room from the masque of the red death, you know, like everyone does on occasion, when all of a sudden, that bitch HERMIONE walked into the room, so I shouted out "YOU BITCH I WAS HERE FIRST

After class, Harry stayed behind to put the Hippogriffs away cause Hagrid was too stoned and had taken his shirt off and started singing Avril Lavigne's Complicated and then he passed out . Harry was taking care of buckbeak since he was riding him so hard. When all of a sudden it got dark, like nighttime dark. Harry heard something behind him and he turned around and stared into the darkness " Ron? is that you?" Harry shouted hopefully, his " wand" thumping against his leg, Ron didn't answer. " New Hermione?" Harry Shouted... " old hermione?" Noone answered him. Harry turned back around and continued to stroke his buckbeak i mean buckbeak. Then the wind shifted and a voice carried over him

_" potter... " _

Harry got scared... and maybe he peed his pants, just a little. When suddenly a figure from the forrest came running twards Harry!! ( the next parts of this story are gonna get a little ... NC-17, even though we are only Sixteen, it doesn't matter, so suck it) Harry tried to get away, but couldn't get away quick enough , because he stubbed his toe and pooped and passed out.

When Harry awoke he found himself almost nude tied to a pair of trees like a hammock. (yes HammOCK). Harry's "scar' begin to throb and he screamed, and said " volderbutt must be near" then a voice said " no you moron I 'accidentally' was burning you with my ciggy" When Harry looked twards the voice he screamed, for it was...

**Malfoy!**

Harry was shocked, and curious. " Malfoy, what are you doing, let me go!" harry whined like a pussy. Malfoy stubbed his cigerette out like sandy in grease and said " tell me about it , stud" Harry then said " i got the chills their multiplying" then Malfoy took his shirt off. " well, Potter, I told you to watch your ass" and Malfoy unbuckled his pants. Harry started crying , like the pussy he is, and said " It wasn't suppose to happen like this, I'm suppose to be with Ron!!" Harry cried. Malfoy slapped him and Said " Shut up! Im gonna fuck your EYES out" and made two peace signs with his hands and pointed down at harry and put on his boyzIImen Cd and the Song " I'll make love to you" started to play...

Harry screamed " no! NO!" ( and we all know the rule, it only means no the third time) ... well I don't want to get into the details of Harry's midnight rape, but Lets just say his " wand" was satisfied and he never said no the third time.


	8. The REAL chap 12: The Aftermath

Chap 1- So one day I was hanging out in the black velvet room from the masque of the red death, you know, like everyone does on occasion, when all of a sudden, that bitch HERMIONE walked into the room, so I shouted out "YOU BITCH I WAS HERE FIRST

"Clothes are a privilege, not a right, potter!" Said Malfoy after throwing away harry's clothes. Malfoy than ran away giggling because Harry was naked and it was funny. finally like 9 years later Harry finally managed to get down from the trees because he's a douche,and he walked inside NUDE( why don't you go to a nude beach, ya NUDE!) and started shouting "I GOT RAPED BY MALFOY EVERYONE!" Everyone averted their eyes from Harry's "Wand" and ran away. "I GOT RAPED BY MALFOY!" Harry tried again. "Shut up douche, you so didn't, Stop trying to get attention from everyone, and put some fucking pants on!" shouted none other than BUM BUM BUM! MALFOY! Which totally ruined all of Harry's credibility, and by all of it, I mean none of it because he had no credibility to begin with. What kind of moron would believe a NAKED harry potter? I'll tell you who, a fucking moron, or possibly andrea. "Why doesn't anyone believe me?" Harry shouted in the great hall. Then he ran away like a little bitch up to his room, where who else but Neville was waiting for him, dressed up as frank N. Furter. "And where have you been all night, HARRY?!" "I told you all, I GOT RAPED BY MALFOY!!" Harry yelled, still naked and slightly aroused. "Oh cut the crap, harry, everyone knows you're making that up for attention." Nevelle said back. "I should just kill myself!" Harry shouted as he went to jump out the window. "NO HARRY WAIT!" Nevelle yelled...


	9. Chap 13: The Special XMas Edition of NH

Chap 1- So one day I was hanging out in the black velvet room from the masque of the red death, you know, like everyone does on occasion, when all of a sudden, that bitch HERMIONE walked into the room, so I shouted out "YOU BITCH I WAS HERE FIRST

But nevelle was too late! Harry was plumeting to his death, but not really because he and nevelle were on the first floor, so harry fell a total of 3 feet. "That was kind of pointless, Harry." nevelle said, "And put some pants on." Harry climbed back in the window and at that point, decided to change his life.  
Back to someone interesting, like New hermione and her crazy love triangle. New Hermione was walking down the corridor, when suddenly, it was fucking x-mas break. "Oh, golly goodness, it's x-mas break!" she exclaimed,"And I didn't make any plans to go home! I must go see ron!" and with that, she dashed off to ron's dorm, only to find a naughty x-mas present. "Hello new hermione," said BUM BUM BUM CEDRIC DIGGORY! (How the fuck he got in ron's dorm, I don't fuckin' know) "Where's ron?" New Hermione questioned. "I killed that cunty ginger an hour ago!" Cedric said while looking foxy, of course. "Oh poppycock, are you for serious?!" New hermione asked. "Psh...no." "Oh, good." New Hermione and Cedric looked at eachother for a while. Then they got up and started walking towards the door to go some place more sexy..err, no, yeah, sexy seems about right. "So, new hermione, I know you and Ron are fuck buddies and all, and I know you stabbed my girlfriend in the baby maker and all, but you wanna make out?" Cedric asked roughly 7 seconds later. "Duh, ron's gone." Then they ran off to that craxy magical room. "Oh look, this room is sexible, look at all the throw pillows!" New Hermione exclaimed. "I see them." responded cedric. Then Hermione said, "So what do you want to do, Cedric?" She looked at him mischievously. "Honestly?" He asked her. She said, "Yes" Cedric blushes a little and tells her, "I would like nothing more than to do you." Hermione smiled and whispered, "then what's stopping you?" She kissed him, combing her hands through his hair. But something was tugging on her hand. His hair! Her hand was caught. She tried to covertly get her hand out, but it was stuck. "What are you doing?" Cedric asked her. "Oh ummmmm...it's just a little love tug!" She said. "Well it hurts!" He cried. "No pain no gain! Come on! We're about to get all the way! Don't you know what that means?!"

Will New Hermione and Cedric go "all the way?"


	10. Chap 13 a third: NH looses something

Chap 1- So one day I was hanging out in the black velvet room from the masque of the red death, you know, like everyone does on occasion, when all of a sudden, that bitch HERMIONE walked into the room, so I shouted out "YOU BITCH I WAS HERE FIRST

Yup. They went all the way. And it was sexy. So sexy it as like…sexy. Cedric even commented on the sexiness.

"I can't believe it was that sexy." New Hermione, blowing a cigarette smoke ring, said,

"Yeah I know. You made your o face a lot." Cedric smiled sexily. "Yeah, well it was sexy."

Suddenly a voice came out of nowhere.

"It was pretty sexy."

"Moaning Myrtle! What are you doing here?" Cedric asked, covering his ding-a-ling.

"I'm moaning."

"I thought you only stayed in the bathroom."

"I escaped."

"Did you watch us?" New Hermione asked.

"Why do you think I'm moaning?"


	11. Chap 14 or maybe 15 Tom Riddles Woman

Chap 1- So one day I was hanging out in the black velvet room from the masque of the red death, you know, like everyone does on occasion, when all of a sudden, that bitch HERMIONE walked into the room, so I shouted out "YOU BITCH I WAS HERE FIRST

Chap 14 (or 15 maybe?): Tom Riddle's woman, as in the sexy second movie in the chamber of secrets memory preserved in a diary sexy Tom Riddle, not gross snake volderbutt Tom Riddle.

Meanwhile, in the slytherin common room, the fair maiden Andrea threw a rock (we don't know where she got a rock but whatev.) and threw it at Pansy, cause pansy's and assmite (more people need to use assmite). Andrea then continued to read Tom Riddle's Woman.

"Oh T-Riddler, I wish you were real." The blonde vanilla face sighed. All of a sudden, Neville was too late! But that's unimportant. The book sucked Andrea to THE SHIRE! Yes, as in middle earth.

"Oh man, I'm in middle earth!" Andrea exclaimed, "I feel really tall because I'm not a hobbit. I'm of average height."

"And above average sexiness!" exclaimed a very sexy Tom Riddle while sitting on his haunches.

"T-Riddler, you're real!"

"Yes, but this place in not nearly sexy enough, here in middle earth." Tom Riddle grabbed Andrea's boobs I mean ass I mean hand and apparated to the HOGWARTS LIBRARY!

"We're at the library!" Andrea exclaimed as if she had just discovered the sun was hot, but Tom Riddle paid no attention to her comment because he was hastily pushing books odd a table. Andrea finally caught on to tom's games and shouted, "YES, I GET ACTION!"

"Me too!" Tom exclaimed before throwing Andrea's hot ass on the table…

Do Andrea and Tom go all the way? Tune in for the next installment of the adventures of new Hermione in 2008! I mean right now!

…and they had sex.

"Oh My cooch!" New Hermione heard form the back of the library (New Hermione is not only a sex kitten, but a little smartie pants, too) She decided to investigate. She walked towards the source of the noise, getting distracted by Ron, who had just gotten back from x-mas break, and then again by Cedric who she saw from afar and wanted to do him. But then she focused and found ANDREA! her good pal, with Tom Riddle, who thank god had both just put clothes on.

"Damn I'm jealous." Heather I mean New Hermione exclaimed (they do a lot of exclaiming).

"Cedric never took me that way."


End file.
